I sometimes think about how long it took me to get here. And then I realize that every single step was leading me to this place and I could not have arrived any sooner or any later. I spent many years living a life that did not feel like my own most of the time. But I didn’t realize that at the time. I was going to a job day after day and year after year where I was nowhere near fulfilled nowhere near satisfied. But I kept going because I had no idea there was another option - I really didn’t comprehend that I could choose to do something completely different. I used to always say ‘I’m a grown up, I can do whatever I want’ and then it struck me that I could apply that to the big picture and not just to the Saturdays when I just wanted to order Thai food and not move from the couch except to walk the dog.
Once I truly believed and understood that I could do whatever I wanted, I started to figure out what I really wanted and what I needed to do to actually make that happen. And that of course still took some time and effort. It was so difficult to find the time and the mental space to think about and discover me when all my energy was spent at this job. It was the wake up, go to work, get wrapped up in the work drama and politics and meetings and emails (and omg what were we all doing??), come home mentally and physically exhausted, numb out on the couch with weed, food delivery and BravoTV, and go to bed. Repeat for the next four days. And then spend the weekend sleeping and socializing and drinking - basically recovering from the week. And that went on for almost TWENTY years!!!
But now I am finally home. I am in my element and I am doing what I love every single morning when I wake up. I made the choice and I made the change - and yea, I have advantages that others do not which made the process easier in some ways. I still had to look at myself very deeply and try to understand myself - my true self - not the self that I was presenting to the world - but that inner beauty who had been silenced and ignored for so long. For so long. But now she sings and she is here to share her story and do what she can with this life to help others understand that there is so much more than what they are telling you. There is so much more there than we can even know. And it’s beautiful on the other side. Scary but so outrageously beautiful that you barely notice that you have no idea where you are going or what is next.